The Generations Project

So this is a story I never told before.

I never talked about it after

and

I never acknowledged that it did HAPPEN.

YOU will probably call me a selfish whiner but the truth of the matter is, this thing breaks you no matter how hard you try NOT to let it get to you!

--

After the Christmas festivities of 2008, we found out we were pregnant. I tried so hard to keep it a secret until we were in the clear after 3 months. The hubby was so excited that he announced it to his family before we passed the SAFE time-frame. 

WE were so EXCITED and we couldn't wait to find out what we were having. 

I was being so careful and the hubby was so supportive doing all the chores and whatnot, just so I don't lift a finger and break a fingernail.

However, after our 20 week checkup, I started spotting - pretty badly!!

My heart was beating the whole time I was in the waiting room. The 2 minutes I waited for the ultrasound felt like a whole lifetime - There was NO heartbeat. 

NOT ONE!

I remember walking out feeling so EMPTY inside.

I felt so ALONE

The hubby was at work, he didn't even know any of this was happening.

How was I supposed to tell him that our baby died?

How do you just let go of something so special and precious?

How do you let go of something you've come to love and become so attached to?

This was my baby. This was my unborn child

For goodness sakes, he/she was halfway there. 

We were halfway there.

How was I gonna deal with this?

What should I do?

What was I supposed to feel?

My baby died 

I had to push it out as if I was giving birth to life - instead - there was NO life.

I was so ANGRY

I was ... CONFUSED

Did I do something wrong?

What in the HELL did I do to deserve that?

Was I being punished for waiting 3 years to have a child?

Was this my punishment for not wanting to have any kids and stuffing pills down my throat for selfish reasons?

Is this supposed to be a sign for something?

yes, this BROKE ME.

It broke my heart

It broke my soul

It broke my faith for anything

and 

It killed every living molecule in my body

Have you ever felt like there is nothing to live for anymore?

And that you were wayyyyyyyyy in the bottom of the well ? 

You don't know how to get up so you just want someone to come stomp on your head?

YES, I was there!

Bottom of the BOTTOM

Couped up in my room for almost a month

I was mean to anyone and everyone (if I saw anyone)

I didn't go to work

I hated my husband - I hated everyone - I hated life

I cried and cried up to a point where there were no more tears flowing. 

I was a BIG MESS

THEN, one day while I was beating myself up and feeling all sorts of SORRY for myself - I opened an old diary and it opened up to a diary entry I wrote in 1998 when my family moved back to Samoa.

I wrote it after we visited my lil brother who had passed away in 1993.

It hit me - right then and there!!!

There are other people who have had it way WORSE than me!

People who got to hold their babies and see them grow up 

Those babies who developed their own personalities.

Personalities you come to love and adore

Then these babies are taken away from you!

UNEXPECTEDLY!

NO WARNING!

People like my mother, who lost her 3 year old son  in 

a motorcycle accident because a stupid relative of my dad's 

decided to take him on a bloody motorcycle ride without my parents' consent.

 Then there was my mother's sister who lost her twins 2 days after birth

and

Another aunty who lost her baby boy at birth.

Here I was ready to give up over my dead unborn child - 

who I haven't even seen, who hadn't even developed a personality- feeling all the pity in the world for myself - YET, there are others who have had it WORSE than me.

IT was hard and heartbreaking, BUT, if my mom and my aunties got over it, I was sure I would too - and I DID :)

I wanted to write this because, I thought I got over what had happened. 

BUT, the truth is, I never really did. 

NOT until I saw Natalie's Generations Project last night. 

She won an EMMY AWARD in the Human Interest category. 

Watching this brought back very painful memories, but it also fully slapped me back to reality!

I realized that I really needed to get the hell over it and move on.

I have 2 gorgeous little boys to be thankfully and most of all LIVE for

What happened to me and my unborn child,
is only an ounce compared to what happened to Rich and Nat, my mom, my aunties and anyone else who has lost their child.

The pain was extremely hard to bare.

Thank you Natalie for this very touching and inspirational documentary. 

I know this will go far in helping women like us overcome the pain of losing a child/loved one.:)